Posted by: bitsydungaree | August 11, 2008

Be Careful What You Wish For

Knowing myself to be a fairly confident gal, I have been confused and, frankly, scared as, over the past few weeks, I have seen myself repeatedly crippled by shame and doubt about my appearance.

I don’t have it all that bad in the looks department, so I kept asking myself, where the hell is this coming from, this childish insecurity I thought I had conquered?

And then it dawned on me that, in the midst of reading Wild at Heart, I have been praying that God would reveal to me what author John Eldredge would refer to as my “wound.” 

Trying to make sense of all the times over the past few weeks that I have wanted to cry when a pretty girl walked in the room or tuned completely out of conversations with friends and tuned in to the voice telling me I’m worthless because my breasts are smaller than the girl’s at the end of the bar, it is painfully clear that God is revealing my wound as one of tremendous unhappiness with my appearance.

I also wrestled with the buried but unhealed hatred of my body while reading Sex God, in which Rob Bell points out that, if we are made in God’s image, hating the physical form He has given us is essentially hating a piece of our Creator. I prayed that God would let me love and respect Him more deeply by granting me an acceptance of the way He chose to create me.

But it looks like I didn’t pray hard enough because here I am brimming with enough insecurity to make an eighth grader seem well-adjusted.

I felt the Lord telling me to ask for prayer from my Bible study group in this area recently, but I shied away because it has been my experience that when thin, attractive young women admit to struggling with insecurity, we are often met with intense hostility and accused of fishing for compliments and/or being emotionally deranged. 

But who is anyone else to say whether or not my struggles are valid?  And who am I to say “no” when the Lord tells me ask for help?

In Captivating, Stasi and John Eldredge link what seems to be an almost universal struggle that women have with appearance to Satan jealously attacking us for reflecting so much of the beauty of God’s character. If that is true, and what seems to be otherwise irrational insecurity is actually the effect of the enemy attempting to punish us for what caused his own fall, then doesn’t it seem possible that a woman labeled “attractive” by society could just as easily be plagued by self-doubt as anyone else?

There are a hundred reasons why I am uncomfortable writing this and a hundred more why feel I need to.  Admitting weakness is not something that I do easily, but God has shown me that I need to give this struggle to Him before I can appreciate the beauty that He has given me, rather than continuing to ask those around me to prove something that they can’t.

And I trust that, just as God answered my prayers to show the wound to me, He will also answer my prayers to heal it, but until then if you wouldn’t mind praying for me too, the wound f-ing hurts.


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